Feeling about the Feeling
Blog post by Katie Pegoraro, LCSW
In a book I greatly appreciate, Dancing with Elephants, Jarem Sawatsky highlights an interview with author Tony Bernhard in which she talks about being free from “suffering about suffering”.
I reference this concept in almost every session I have with clients. Are you suffering, or, are you suffering about suffering?
The goal in life, and of therapy, isn’t to avoid all suffering.
We can all experience hurt, sadness, frustration, uncertainty and more. But it is a much different experience to also suffer through that suffering.
In addition to the feeling itself, pay attention to the feeling about that feeling. The response to when you feel sad. The response to when you feel uncomfortable. The response to when you are frustrated. Do you actively work to distract from the sadness? Do you feel angered by the discomfort? Do you feel helpless when you are frustrated? When you start to look at the feeling about the feeling, or, the suffering about suffering, you can get a clearer picture of what’s going on.
We are complex. We are each our own individual ecosystem.
See if this example resonates with you:
I wake up to my alarm. I remember I have a morning meeting that I really don’t want to go to because I’m scared I might say the wrong thing or be judged. I hit snooze and bury my head in the pillow. …Five minutes later, cue the voice in my head, “get up, stop being worthless”. I get up, somewhat motivated to proceed, but then I see my phone. Five minutes later, I have completely checked out while scrolling through news and social media sites.
Right there, you saw three parts of me. One that tells me to go back to sleep, one that kicks me in the butt to get going, and one that lets me escape it all by checking out on my phone. They all serve the same purpose – to keep me safe from the unknowns of this morning meeting and how I might be judged.
What’s absent in this scenario is Self-leadership. That calm, connected, curious voice that can provide reassuring guidance for how I can best navigate that meeting ahead. That voice isn’t missing, it’s just that the other parts of me are louder because they feel like they need to be. When we can relieve these protector parts of their roles in a compassionate and appreciative way, our wise Self can emerge.
These concepts of Self-leadership, ecosystems, and parts are from a modality of therapy I often draw from called Internal Family Systems. The following assertion from Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems, best aligns with my values as a therapist:
“If we believe that people have the ability to deal effectively with their problems, we focus on discovering and changing whatever constrains their inborn abilities…
Clients have what it takes to be self-reliant and in relationship.”
None of us is lacking.
The parts of us that make us feel suffering about suffering, are doing just that, suffering. They have locked away past difficult emotions and experiences and taken on burdensome roles to protect us. At some point in life, we may have experienced situations or feelings that were too big for us at the time. So, parts of us took on roles to give us the protector we needed. The approach may not make sense to us now, but it sure did at that point in time. Rather than shame or push away those parts of us, what if we could go to them with compassion and curiosity? We can give those parts of us new information, that we are now the adult in the room.
If this concept resonates at all with you and you’d like to learn more about exploring your inborn abilities in a compassionate way, it would be an honor to walk that journey with you.
About the Therapist:
Katie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker serving adults living through transitions and grief. She utilizes a systems approach that fosters a greater understanding of how any concern is intertwined with personal, cultural and institutional factors.
Learn more about her here. She is accepting new clients!