5 Tips from a Marriage Counselor
Blog post by Irina Baechle, LCSW
Do you feel disconnected from your partner? Have you been drifting apart in recent years? Are you repeating the same mistakes repeatedly and feeling stuck in an unhappy relationship dance but don't know how to change your moves? As a marriage counselor, I've seen it all in my sessions with couples, from silent treatments to explosive outbursts. And neither is good for a relationship.
He Said, She Said: Breaking the Cycle of Conflict with Marriage Counseling
Communication skills are something we must constantly work on and improve. Most of us tend to fall back on old, unhelpful ways of talking to each other when we fight, even though we know better. Going to marriage therapy is a great way to improve your communication skills. Marriage counseling helps couples get past communication breakdowns, develop positive communication strategies, and rekindle their bond.
So, here are five tips from a marriage counselor for couples struggling with conflicts.
1. Be Conscious of How You Reach Out
How do you reach out to your spouse when you feel hurt or upset? Do you struggle to talk openly about things that bother you, so you suppress your feelings and shut down? Do your anger and frustration keep building up until they explode into fights? Do you feel guilty, believing that you're not good enough and that you're the source of the problem?
Mindfulness exercises can be a helpful tool to focus on your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations in times of distress without judging or reacting to them. Staying present in the moment can help you observe what you feel in moments of disconnection and stress and how you show it to your partner.
Also, keeping a journal might help you better understand your patterns when you are distressed. Writing your thoughts and feelings down can help you identify how you reach for your spouse when you are unhappy and how that affects your relationship, so that you can start working on changing unhelpful patterns with the guidance of your marriage counselor.
2. Clarify Your Expectations
Many times, communication breakdowns have their roots in different expectations. What do you hope to gain from your relationship in the future? What makes you feel close to your partner? What amount of commitment do you anticipate from them? What are your relationship goals?
Discussing your needs and expectations regarding emotional support, time spent together, or plans can help avoid misunderstandings, set healthy boundaries, and improve communication.
3. Listen Like a Naive Scientist
Remember how you absorbed every word they said when you started dating your partner? That's how you should listen to each other today, too: with complete focus. Don't wait for them to finish so you can have your turn when arguing or discussing things with your spouse, but listen with curiosity and an open heart.
Pay undivided attention to what they are saying and tune in to their feelings so that you can better understand what is going on inside for them. Listen without distractions: no phone scrolling, TV channel surfing, or interruptions.
4. Take a Break
The words we say during a heated argument might cut deep and lead to serious consequences. Pause to prevent yourself from saying or doing things that may cause lasting damage.
Whether it's pausing to take a few deep breaths and relax, leaving the room until you're calm enough to continue the conversation, or getting some time apart from your spouse, hitting the "pause" button can give you some time to cool down, consider what you want to achieve, and prevent conflict from escalating. It also provides an opportunity for self-reflection so that you can approach communication with more empathy and understanding.
5. Say 'I'm Sorry' Like You Mean It
Conflicts are an unavoidable part of any relationship. However, marriage counseling can help you understand that it is not the absence of conflicts and fights but rather the ability to mend and reconnect after them that distinguishes a good relationship.
So, the big deal is knowing how to accept responsibility for one's own words and actions and say "I'm sorry" and genuinely mean it. When apologizing, be specific about what you feel sorry for and acknowledge the pain it caused your spouse.
Don't try to fix things, but offer a sincere apology and listen to what your partner has to say. Validate their feelings and allow them to feel seen, heard, and understood. This way, you'll create an opportunity to connect with your spouse before addressing the issues.
Communication in marriage or relationships can be a source of significant challenges or even lead to a breakup or divorce. However, communication is a skill that can be practiced and learned. It is about listening, nurturing honesty, openly expressing feelings, and knowing how to connect before you correct things.
Marriage counseling can provide a safe place to practice these communication skills and reconnect with your partner. Furthermore, your other relationships will benefit as well since you will be able to apply new skills to your love relationship and other critical connections in your life.
About the Marriage Counselor:
Irina Baechle is a licensed relationship therapist and a guest blogger.
Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat North Carolina, and online therapy North Carolina, Irina helps couples move from feeling stuck to feeling deeply loved, seen, and connected.
Read more about her on the Current Wellness website.